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Praying with Your Spouse

Wednesday, February 13th, 2013

praying-with-your-spouse-2Praying with your spouse will deepen your marriage in incredible ways. The wife will see her husband’s spiritual heart, which will help her to honor and respect him the way that Scripture commands her to in Ephesians 5:33. All Christians desire to please God. If you don’t desire to please God, you are not saved. So if your husband is saved, you will be attracted to him spiritually when you pray. Even if you only pray for less than five minutes, the oneness you experience as you grow in your prayer life together is wonderful.

What do you do if your husband doesn’t want to pray with you? First of all, pray that God will change his heart about it. Most men do not want to be spiritually vulnerable with their wives. My own husband had someone rip his prayer to shreds one time while in college. He was praying aloud to God with all his heart, and afterwards a man criticized his prayer. He never wanted to pray aloud again.

If your husband has similar baggage, God needs to heal him. Talk about it, and let your husband know that you don’t care what he says in his prayers, that you love and accept him for who he is. What initially caused my husband to pray with me was my desperation in a particular situation where I had nowhere else to turn but to my husband.

praying-with-your-spouseAnother thing you can do is to make sure you never preach at your husband through your own prayers. I know people who do that. The person is talking to me and not to God because they are trying to convince me about something. Don’t ever do that. Men know when they’re being preached at, and they despise it because it’s pretentious.

If your husband doesn’t want to pray out loud, you can talk about a particular issue, then you can hold hands and close your eyes and pray together silently. It doesn’t have to be out loud. Just this simple act can draw you together, and eventually you can transition to praying out loud whenever you feel ready.

I’ve heard testimonies of couples who were fighting, and they decided to pray together while they were still angry. Each one asked God to forgive what they did wrong. After praying, they had already made up! That’s because all the other person wants is for you to admit whatever you did wrong. This is great for “not letting the sun go down on your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26), which means that you never go to bed angry with your spouse so that bitterness does not get a foothold (Hebrews 12:15).

One absolutely transforming way that God has used my husband to lead me as a wife spiritually is through my husband praying with me over specific sin issues in my life. Sometimes I will tell my husband I am struggling with anger or pride towards someone, and my husband will pray with me, and I feel released from the sin. One time my husband told me that I didn’t trust God, so we asked God to help me trust Him more. God answered in a huge way over the following months, just in response to that one prayer that my husband said over me that one night. God works in incredible ways when we join together as one with our spouse before the Lord in prayer.

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Top 10 Ways to Listen to Your Spouse

Monday, February 11th, 2013

listen-to-your-spouseCouples often say that their spouse doesn’t listen to them. Here are the top 10 ways to listen to your spouse:

  1. See the situation through the other person’s eyes. You’ll be able to change their mind easier if you know exactly where they are coming from.
  2. Ask questions to clarify what they are saying.
  3. Don’t let your mind wander. Listen for the main idea so you can make sense out of what they’re saying and respond correctly.
  4. Don’t antagonize them. “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:13
  5. Part of loving a person is enjoying them. Care about what they care about.
  6. Look at the person who is talking to you. Don’t be distracted by other things. Stop what you are doing.
  7. Don’t be impatient, shaking your leg and wanting to be out of there.
  8. Paraphrase occasionally to make sure you understand what they are saying.
  9. Create an environment where your spouse feels safe and loved and not judged.
  10. Treat them how you would like to be treated.

Listening requires time and effort, but it’s worth it because you end up with a greater oneness in your marriage.

For some fun examples of how to listen to your spouse, watch this free webinar: “Listening to Your Husband.”

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True Friendship with Your Husband

Tuesday, February 5th, 2013

true-friendship-with-your-husbandHow do you get to a point where you have true friendship with your husband? First you have to die to yourself. I asked God to show me my selfishness, and God showed me. You must ask God to give you a love for your husband that is greater than your selfishness. Even if you love God with all your heart, you are selfish to the core. I’m speaking about myself.

My prayer was, “God, make me holy. Do anything.” If you can’t pray this prayer, then Jesus is not functionally Lord of your life, and you will never love others with the supernatural love that causes you to be one on every level of your being with your spouse. If you don’t like that prayer, “ease” is lord of your life, since you want your own comfort more than you want God. It’s true. Don’t deceive yourself into thinking otherwise.

So God answered and painfully showed me my sin. There were about 30 different categories of sin I had no idea that I was guilty of. It was horrifying to me, since I’ve been saved since I was 4 and always was obedient and pure to the best of my ability, repenting whenever I knew of any sin. The fact that I had ungratefulness towards my mother, for example, was something that I was blind to. But the ugly claw of the sin of ingratitude caused me to react to my mother with venom, which caused her to not be able to love me properly. Since I didn’t feel loved by her, this was all a vicious cycle. God broke the chains, I repented of the ingratitude, and we began loving each other for real. And now my mother is one of my closest friends. This is a testimony of God’s grace in my life, since this would have been impossible 10 years ago. God is a God of miracles.

In the same way God will show you your sin toward your husband, because all of us have sin. I know, you think of your husband as being the one with faults, and of course he has faults. The only thing you can do besides pray heavily for your husband is to ask God to change you. I’m serious. You think of yourself as godly and selfless, and your husband as lazy and fill-in-the-blank, but in reality, you are blind to the stench of your own sin before God. Most Christian women think they are more godly than their husbands, and then they talk bad about their husbands behind their husband’s backs, ruining their reputations through their ugly sin of gossip. Meanwhile the husband is quietly enduring your nagging and being disrespectful. I see this all the time. I should write another article titled “How I Sort of Overcame Nagging.” That would be a correct title. Ha!

So when God transforms you by showing you your sin, repent of it and ask God to change you. Your face will radiate beauty, and you will be more attractive to your spouse. Then he will react differently to you, and your marriage will be sweeter than you ever thought possible.

Whenever God convicted me of sin and transformed me, my husband would tremble and see that God was at work. It frieked him out to the point that he asked God for wisdom to lead me spiritually. Then he began to lead me spiritually. It wasn’t until I asked God to change me that through that change, God caused my husband to become the man He wanted him to be. And my husband grew spiritually by leaps and bounds. Of course, he always loved the Lord and accurately handled Scripture before. What was different was the deep oneness that we had spiritually and emotionally. It’s worth having!

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Our 15th Wedding Anniversary

Saturday, July 14th, 2012

15th-wedding-anniversaryLast night Alan and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. When the waiter came to the table, he told us that he was about to get married in a couple of weeks. He turned to my husband and asked him what he needed to know to get to his 15th anniversary. “What is your secret?” he asked, and he was earnestly wanting to know. People who see my husband and I together notice that we are one and are comfortable with each other, act sweet with each other, and still have chemistry.

15th-wedding-anniversary-2My husband paused a moment before answering, “Love is an act of the will. If you believe that love is a feeling, you won’t last, because a few months into the marriage, you’ll be sick of each other. Feelings come and go.”

“And they deepen and get much better,” I added.

The waiter said, “I’ve never heard it said that way before.” He actually paused and stood there for a minute before finally taking our order.

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An Awkward Conversation

Thursday, June 7th, 2012

an-awkward-conversationMy husband pulled away from the house, ten minutes late in taking our son to karate. (I watch the other three kids and make dinner while he takes one son to karate twice a week.) Resuming my conversation with my sister, which was about some deep spiritual issue, she stopped and commented on how sweet I had been to my husband.

I thought, “What on earth?” The conversation I had with my husband was awkward. But she thought it was sweet. I tried to remember what I said.

I had been on the phone with my sister for an hour and a half, and the call waiting had clicked on twice. I held it away from my face to see that it was an 800 number, meaning that it was a telemarketer. I didn’t bother to check it the second time, since I usually ignore it anyway.

I figured that if it had been my husband, he could have called my cell phone. I glanced down and saw my cell phone on the table beside my bed where I was sitting.

I made sure my son was dressed for karate with shoes on ten minutes previously because I realized my husband was late. When I heard the garage door opening, I stood at the top of the stairs. I knew that my husband was leaving immediately, so I didn’t want to hang up with my sister. I felt bad that I wasn’t giving my husband my full attention, so before he came through the door, I said to my sister, “Hang on,” and I lowered the phone from my face, holding it low enough that he wouldn’t see it, giving him the illusion that he had my undivided attention.

Okay, so here was the awkward conversation:

“I tried to call you,” said my husband, “but no one answered the phone.”

“I’m on the phone with my sister,” I said, slightly blushing, showing him the phone I was hiding. “I heard the call waiting, but it was an 800 number. Well, it clicked on twice, and I ignored it the second time. I figured if it was you, you could have called my cell phone.”

“Why would I call your cell phone? You never have it with you. Every time I’m at home and I call your cell phone, I hear it ringing in the other room.” He was smiling when he said this.

“I’m sorry…” I said, laughing, making a mental note to take my cell phone with me to Zumba, even though it could easily get stolen on the floor at the side of the gym with 150 women. I widened my eyes to remind him he was late. Yes, my eyes were shooing him out the door. This is why I felt the conversation was awkward.

My sister said, “Any other woman would have yelled at her husband, that he could have called her cell phone.” Apparently the tone that I used with my husband was sweet.

I’m still puzzled about it, but I guess the tone we use with our husbands matters in our interactions with them. Even in awkward situations, if our tone is kind, the other person is amused instead of angry…

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Listening to Your Husband

Thursday, May 17th, 2012

listening-to-your-husbandIs listening to your husband something you do naturally? Does your husband ever say,“You’re not listening to me!?”

The most important part of communication is listening. If you don’t understand your husband, how can you expect to influence his heart and to have true oneness in your marriage? Join Alan and Susan Evans as they talk about marriage once again, and the importance of listening. This topic applies to homeschooling, because both the husband and wife should be in agreement about what you do in your home. Listening is not something that comes naturally to most people, and it is crucial to having a good marriage.

Join us on Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 3:30pm Central (1:30pm Pacific). Click here to join us live on the Homeschool Channel.

If you missed our previous marriage webinar, “Don’t Let Homeschooling Ruin Your Marriage,” you can watch the replay here.

Here is an outline of what we covered:

  • Listening is crucial to understanding another person, especially in marriage. In order to have oneness in your marriage, you need to know how the other person is thinking about something.
  • Many Scriptures mention the importance of listening. (James 1:9, Proverbs 12:15, Philippians 2:3, Romans 12:3, Galatians 6:3, Proverbs 18:3)
  • When I’m interrupting, it’s because I’m putting myself first. So listening really requires you to esteem the other person as more important than yourself. (That’s what love is.)
  • Pride causes you to plug your ears to the other person, so humility is required for listening.
  • Before listening fully to what somebody is saying, if you’re formulating in your mind what you’re going to say next, you are not listening. (Scripture says it’s to your folly and your shame to act this way.)
  • Why do men stop talking to their wives? They want to avoid conflict.
  • Be positive in your interactions with your husband instead of negative.
  • If you have not listened to your husband in previous conversations, there is no reason that your husband would want to talk to you, because you don’t listen to him anyway. Or we haven’t followed through on what our husbands wanted us to do because we didn’t prioritize it. We just forgot because it wasn’t important to us.
  • Both people in a conversation have an agenda. This is what makes communication difficult.
  • Expecting people to behave in a certain way and then getting angry when it doesn’t happen is not constructive. It’s selfishness.
  • The only person you can change is yourself.
  • Ask questions to fully understand your husband.
  • You need to create an environment where your spouse feels safe and loved and not judged.
  • Women sometimes inadvertently attribute wrong motives to their husbands, thereby hurting themselves. They twist what their husband is saying. I give a humorous example (but I was deeply hurt at the time).
  • When you are talking to a man, try to get to the point and not go on and on. Otherwise it’s so much work for your husband to listen to you, and he doesn’t have the mental energy to do it.
  • We talked about what to do when you have opposite views on something.
  • Just because your husband is not doing things your way doesn’t mean he’s not listening to you. He can be listening to you and walking by the Spirit and choose the opposite of what you want. That can be godly and correct on his part. (It ended up that the opposite of what I wanted was better for me in the example I gave.)
  • Try to see the situation through his eyes. This will help immensely in listening. You will have a greater influence on his heart and mind.
  • If you are sinning (with gossip, slander, anger, complaining, etc.) and your husband refuses to listen to you, he is doing the right thing to stop you from sinning further.
  • Rely on God to make you a better person in your marriage. The couples that cling to God as the only strength they really have are the ones that will make it, says my husband.

 

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I Don’t Mind the Snoring

Tuesday, April 17th, 2012

snoringDuring the first few years of my marriage, I was annoyed whenever my husband started snoring. I sat up, looked at him, and carefully tried to turn him over so that he would stop. This happened only when he was suffering from allergies. Normally he didn’t snore. He just breathed hard.

Now that I’ve been married almost 15 years, I love to hear my husband snoring. It’s relaxing to me. First off, it means that my husband is with me. Sometimes he travels on business, and when he’s gone, I can’t sleep very well because he’s not in bed, and I feel like something is missing. Secondly, my husband has sleep problems (please pray for him; he has had sleep problems for almost 3 years and feels haggard nearly all the time, and I want so desperately for him to sleep). So when I hear my husband snoring, I smile and I’m so happy and peaceful that I fall asleep. I actually like to hear him snore.

During this past winter, I’ve gotten flus and colds, one after another. One night I heard my husband finally start to snore after midnight. I was so happy that I smiled, but then suddenly I felt a tickle in the back of my throat, because I had to cough. I tried so hard not to cough, but I involuntarily let out a cough. My husband stopped storing. I was so disappointed that my cough woke him up…

It’s like this with other aspects in my marriage. The idiosyncracies of my husband have become dear to me. Little things that used to annoy me no longer do. Maybe I’ve just gained perspective on life, on what’s important and what isn’t. Or maybe I’ve let love cover it.

It reminds me of the old movie “Annie,” where the main male character falls in love with a woman, only to tell her that her teeth were crooked. She felt self-conscious for a minute, but then he declared that he loved crooked teeth. He loved her teeth because they were hers. When deficiencies are no longer seen as liabilities, people can feel more restful and secure, knowing that they are accepted for who they are.

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Bahamas Trip (Part 10)

Tuesday, February 28th, 2012

Bahamas-trip-10Our last destination of our Bahamas trip was St. Thomas, where Alan and I went parasailing. We climbed aboard a speedboat, and when it was our turn, we got strapped into a harness. It was basically a big double swing in the sky. Very relaxing except for the cold water dip at the end. The sun was shining, and the water was a beautiful blue.

Someone told us about a secluded beach, so we took a taxi. It was totally gorgeous with virtually nobody there. We saw enormous iguanas walking around. We decided to rent a jet ski, since my husband wanted to buzz around on the gorgeous water. I thought I did, too. Alan knows I’m up for anything, but I was highly surprised when he drove as fast as was humanly possible. If I didn’t bend the same way he was bending, we would have flipped over. And at the speed we were going, we for sure would have died. I looked at the water racing by in a blur, wondering if hitting it would feel like concrete. I’m really not afraid of death, just the painful bit right before death. So I gripped the seat with my thighs in a death grip and tried not to squeeze Alan too hard, so that he could enjoy himself and feel freedom.

I let him have fun. He had no idea I was scared half to death and whamming against the seat. We caught air twice, flying through the air, and I could tell by the way Alan was whooping that he was loving it. I relaxed and told myself that I would love to see Christ. I closed my eyes and tried to become one in movement to my husband. Whenever he moved, I moved in the exact same direction. Be one. That is all I thought about. I couldn’t anticipate his movements. I had to follow. I rested, I followed, I was one in movement with him.

Looking back, I realize the experience was a good illustration for submission. First, submission to God is yielding to the Holy Spirit, being yoked to Christ and moving when He moves. Asking God what I should be doing, and calmly allowing myself to be led, and feeling joy in the obedience. Secondly, submitting to my husband was being one with him, yielding and moving in the same direction, and allowing him to lead. And feeling joy in the oneness.

That’s what it was like. But when my thighs were burning and the whamming against the seat was actually hurting, I finally told Alan, “Ummm… Sweetheart, could you slow down? I have no idea where you’re going to turn, and my muscles are sore. I thought I was going to enjoy this, but… not so much.”

He immediately slowed down. He buzzed to the middle of the bay and shut off the motor. He unstrapped the key from his arm, turned around, and kissed me. It was a really great kiss. (blushes)

The next day, we took three flights back to Spokane. The kids were happy to see us, and Alan and I were so refreshed from the wonderful honeymoon that God restored to us.

For those of you who haven’t seen the YouTube video, here it is:

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