Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Top 10 Ways Your House Falls Apart

Sunday, July 22nd, 2012

house-falls-apart

I’ve been thinking about this Top 10 humorous blog post for months now, dissatisfied with it, wanting to throw it in the trash. It was in my “Unfinished Blog Posts” folder, just rotting there. My problem was that after reading it, I wanted to cry rather than laugh:

  1. Turning the handle to flush the toilet is like playing on a Vegas slot machine. You never know when an out-of-control cascade will come out of the thing. Looking around helplessly, you find it impossible to keep the pot from dispensing its contents all over the floor.
  2. The paint on the outside of your house is chipping. It has needed a coat of paint for years now. It looks like an abandoned ghost town, except for the children running around.
  3. You try to open a drawer, only to have the handle come off in your hand.
  4. Your kid hangs like a monkey from your towel rack, and the bar falls on the floor with a clang. It’s still on the floor months later, because you haven’t gotten around to re-hanging it.
  5. The faucet is constantly dripping. There’s a trick to shutting it off, you know. As you’re falling asleep, you incorporate the dripping into a rhythm so that it’s not so irritating.
  6. The sprinkler system leaks every spring, no matter how much you empty it before winter. Checking it for leaks is like one of those games at a carnival that sprays water unexpectedly at you when you think nothing is happening.
  7. The instruction booklet on repairing appliances was written by someone who obviously doesn’t speak fluent English. How do you make heads or tails out of the abrupt, unintelligible sentences?
  8. The remote control for the garage has to be disconnected from the sunshade flap and aimed out the window to get the garage door to open. It’s like the remote control is a gun, and your house won’t let you in unless held at gunpoint.
  9. The cream carpeting has so many stains that your guests naturally assume you have a polka-dotted carpet. Or they ask if you’re still potty training.
  10. The spin cycle on the washing machine goes “ka-clunk, ka-clunk, ka-clunk” and sounds like it’s going to fall apart any minute. You never know when one of your appliances is going to explode. (Refer to the Exploded Cauliflower post to hear how one of my appliances exploded.)

Toy Castle Adventure

Saturday, April 28th, 2012

A fun writing assignment for kids is to write a toy castle adventure. If you don’t have a toy castle, you can make one out of small cardboard boxes, and spray paint it silver. Then use dolls to re-enact your script. Take a look at our fun Toy Castle Adventure:

The Best Banana Bread in the World

Friday, April 13th, 2012

best-banana-breadMy husband’s boss asks for my banana bread every year for the annual brunch, but when I arrive with two loaves, he whisks both of them off the table and hides them. When I start laughing, he says, “Oh, we have too much food anyway.” He says this every year. Because he wants it all to himself; that’s why.

This is the very first recipe I ever baked when I was a young girl, and I’ve continued to make it all these years. My mother gave me the recipe on a card, and I laminated it because I use the recipe so much.

Turn on the oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour two small loaf pans. Mash 3 very ripe bananas. In another larger bowl, cream together ½ cup of margarine (softened), ¾ cup of sugar, and 1 egg. Dump the banana mush into the larger bowl. Now add 3 tablespoons of milk, 2 cups of flour, 1 teaspoon of baking soda, and ¼ teaspoon of salt. Stir. Divide equally into the two small loaf pans. Bake for half an hour.

If your bananas are small, you might need to add a little bit of milk to compensate. If your bananas are enormous, you might need to add some flour. If it’s your first time to make banana bread, just buy normal-sized bananas.

Don’t try to bake the two small loaves in one loaf pan. My best friend keeps asking me, “What is your secret to your yummy banana bread? Mine doesn’t taste the same, and furthermore, it doesn’t bake in half an hour. It takes way longer.” And I answer every time, “Use two small loaf pans instead of one big one.” And she says, “Oh, I don’t want to do that. I don’t have enough space in my cupboard.” The next year, like clockwork, we have the same conversation…

Some day I will buy two small loaf pans and mail them to her. When she opens the package, she will probably laugh.

Not-So-Wacky Travel Tips (Cruise Edition)

Wednesday, February 29th, 2012

wacky-travel-tips-cruises

Here are my top 10 not-so-wacky travel tips for going on a cruise:

  1. Don’t book your cruise during hurricane season.
  2. If you only have one carry-on, this expedites the process of boarding and disembarking the ship. You save a couple of hours of standing in line each time. (Also, to catch multiple flights to your destination, you need to travel light.)
  3. Use the free dining room for breakfast and lunch instead of the buffet, unless you’re in a hurry to get to an excursion. The food is better, it’s quieter, and the ambiance is more relaxed.
  4. Shore excursions can be half the price if you don’t book it through the ship. (On the other hand, you can be stuck with nothing to do. Ask a random worker on the ship, not at the front desk. A random worker will be more honest with you.)
  5. Take at least one formal outfit. There is at least one dinner that’s formal. They don’t tell you this on their website, as far as I can tell.
  6. A room with a balcony is well worth the upgrade. We practically lived out on our balcony.
  7. For the sit-down dinners, you can order many appetizers. You can order two meals if you want to. It does not cost extra. So if you can’t decide between two meals, get both. I ate the meat and vegetables off each plate and left the carbohydrates. That way I didn’t feel too full for dessert. (On the other hand, don’t be so gluttonous that you become fat on the cruise. Moderation is what I say.)
  8. Even if you don’t drink, you will feel slightly tipsy on the ship at all times, especially towards the rear of the ship. Don’t fight it; just enjoy the tipsy feeling.
  9. Cabin decks have hallways that run the entire length of the ship. If you get lost and you’re on the wrong end of the ship, use cabin decks to get to the other end of the ship faster than going up, across, and down again.
  10. Take plenty of pictures. But don’t forget to live in the moment. Being there and experiencing the moment is more valuable than pictures.